Away again

It feels like I have hardly been home and here I am traveling again. The thought of packing again was enough to throw me into a mood. But I did it this morning and right now I am once again sitting on the train heading to London.

I should have packed yesterday but instead I woke at 12 and fell asleep again at 2 until I was awoken at 6.

I think that is something I feel most hopeful about with getting well. To once again have energy, to not feel the need to sleep the day away. The thought of going out and doing something for the day without feeling so exhausted that I could sleep for a week, is almost a forgiene concept to me.

But right now it is hope that drives me. Hope that things will improve, that life plans can once again be made. Hope that my mums treatment continues to work well, that my family continue to thrive and eventually get over the hurdles they face.

It feels strange, to still inwardly feel like I am struggling, to have no clue on how the world works and yet still be offering advice to others. To almost preach about the joys of the world, when most days it is still such a struggle to see them myself. It's almost like describing parts of a dream world, where are struggles really do make for interest and our pains are healed with time.

Perhaps this world exists, perhaps it runs parallel. That somehow we can jump into it and great things can be achieved.

Perhaps somehow others see me on it. Outwardly I am doing wonderful. I am independent traveling to hospitals alone and sorting tickets, looking after mum, giving advice. But am I really the right person to be doing all this. Am I coping or is it merely an illusion. I guess only time will really tell.

But for now, I shall carry on with this stream of hope.