Tuesday, March 29, 2011


It feels like I have written here in forever, in reality its not that long.

I have been avoiding here a little. Wallowing perhaps.

Sometimes, I can look at things and I can say, wow look how far I have come. Look at all the amazing people I have met from being ill. Look how much I have gained.

Other times, I can look at things and feel nothing but bitter feelings, anger and resentment. Its hard not to picture the places I might have been in life had I not gotten sick. If I had just gotten sick from some sort of natural cause, would I have dealt with it better? It feels sometimes, that its harder, knowing that it wasnt natural, it didnt just happen, it was the result of one person. I think that also makes the psychological side harder to deal with.

The last week, has kind of been differnt again from the above. This week has more so been a mood that makes me ask why things are so unfair in life. Why do some people and families get to breeze through life without a care, while others seem to face continual set backs.

There seems to be a lot going on at the moment. Lots of things and people are crumbling, lots of people close to me falling apart or getting sick. Of course I worry about them, but at the same time as worrying, I am trying to hold myself together and appear strong for them. Its not fair if I am the one always sick or struggling if they get pushed out. But of course, covering up is never an easy subject.

I guess I have had a few scares and wake up calls this week. And my reaction? To shut myself away, to ignore everyone and block everyone out. To curl up, within myself.

The last few days I have been in a very dark place indeed. Looking back, its kinda scary to how bad things got at one point. I dont know. Words are hard at the moment. It feels like there is this big black hole inside me. Somedays, it just sits there pulsing, so I can feel it, letting me know its there. Other days, it grows, it feels heavy and weights me down. When it gets to heavy, I instead, turn over and wrap myself within it. To snuggle down with it, and pepping out, is like walking into bright sunlight.

I know there is hope, I know how well I have things, I know that I am the fortunate one and that others need me right now. But sometimes, logic dosnt make sense or my heart dosnt want to follow. Its then when things get dangerous.

At the moment, communication, just seems to not be worth the energy expenditure that it needs.

1 comment:

  1. Hey lovely
    just wanted you to know i'm always here if you need.
    Know you don't like to put too much on peeps/talk too much...but sometimes, you need to.
    Anytime ok???
    lovelovelove to you...you would make her proud you know??
    love ya
    kelli (romp)