Monday, April 12, 2010

Remember me?

..Because its to long since i posted. oops.
I guess I have been neglecting this blog lately but especially this week. (sorry about that) and I still havnt made a full post about london.

I dont know, I just feel at the moment like I am existing rather than living. Does that make sense?
I think back and I can remember times when I would just go out for the sake of it, or work on something or other be it computer games, photography of developing projects and sites. But lately, I seem to dig my heels in where I can to avoid going out. Everything is just too much effort, getting dressed, getting washed, generally just doing things that should be habbit.

Once I am out of the house, I am fine and most of the time cope fine with the being out. But once it hits heading back time, exhaustion kicks in, I struggle and battle to stay awake till I get home and then till a time when I can get to sleep. For the next day or two, I feel like I have not slept for a week.

For example, one day last week, I slept through the night prob 10-11 hours. Got up, went out for an hour. Came back and fell asleep for a further 3 hours. Was awake for about 3 hours just sitting around and went to bed and fell straight asleep again. 14 hours of sleep in 24 hours can not be normal can it.

The time I am awake however, is not wasted.
I do some (well a fair amount) of voluntary work on a website. At the moment, everybody on the site seems to be struggling with one thing or another and unable to put much into it. The site still has to run, so I have spent as much time as I have been able to manage trying to keep on top of things there. I dont mind doing this, but its one of those things when you have something planned to do before you go to bed and you sit down and get an email, you think oh this will only take a couple of minutes to do so you log on and sort it out. But then you get bogged down and 4 hours later at stupid o'clock you decide enough is enough and go to bed, leaving the original plan untouched.

I need to start setting some boundaries and time management stuff.

I did eventually decide to keep all my entries in the one journal. Well most of them, there are a very rare few that I dont want anyone to read yet and so they are stored on a different site with no link to me hehe. I also have my other place to get stuff out. Its generally not read by many, but there are a few that do read it and im ok with that. Its not in a place where just anyone can find, which i think gives me a bit more ability to ramble and not be coherent (not that I ever am) I can just jot down random things that might not make sense. But here, feels kinda more like good quality paper.

When I was young, I used to get bought writing sets and stickers. I always refused to use them as they were to pretty and I didnt want to spoil them. Of course they just sat there until they were thrown out one day and so ended up wasted anyway. But this feels more like that. I dont want to waste this space. I want it to make sense and be a logical record of things. I want fully formed thoughts in here, not half hearted ones.

Blah, enough ramble about that.

So the real reason for the title.
Tonight I went to see the film remember me.
Im not entirely sure what I was expecting, but the film was good, if a little predictable at points. There were fun parts and sad parts and I related somewhat to most of it. The sex scenes where a little drawn out for my liking, and Robert Pattinson was a little too withdrawn, but then films are dramatic.

Emilie de Ravin, better known for her role in Lost and the hills have eyes, played a good part. Her character was the right level of funny and brooding and I liked her philosophy on always eating desert first as anything could happen and she wants to know that she didnt deny herself what she wanted most.

There were a few bits that struck a nerve so to speak.
Tyler: You know what day I'm staring at, Michael. By 22, Ghandi had 3 kids; Motzart, 37 symphonies; and Buddy Holly was dead. 

Just shows how different each life is, depending on your focus and time.

You have a daughter who sincerely believes that you don't like her. She's communicating. Why aren't you listening? Why aren't you *riveted?* 

This one, kind of reminded me of my family and how I felt for so long about my parents. It still happens at times now, but I am better at dealing with it. But it does get hard, when im trying to talk, and mum knows how hard it is for me to talk and yet she starts talking over the top of me about something completely differnt, or finishing off what im saying. But more than that, about what I have wanted from life or what I have needed to get by. Self harm became my way of communicating for a long time, except no one ever saw. I think it was more a communication with myself.

But the bit that stuck with me most was this:
If you could hear me, I would say that our finger prints don't fade from the lives we've touched. 

It is true. People leave a lasting impression. People who I have not heard from in years, or people I dont know very well, still affect my life and the way in which I deal with things. Its actully pretty amazing the effect one person can have on the other. But its pretty lame when it is abused also. But at this point, im not going to get sentimental.

I enjoyed the movie and when it comes out on dvd, I will more than likely get it as I wouldnt mind re-watching it.

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