Monday, January 11, 2010

Slippery slope

So I havnt posted much recently, theres a surprise. My orginal aim was to keep this blog nice and positive. To a point. Well mainly to keep my darkest thoughts out of here. But perhaps that wasnt the best idea. There should be a more rounded view on things.

So things are not going great. I am still in hospital, though I dont need to be. The nurses whose care I will be discharged to dont want me to be let out till they are fully prepared and what with the holidays and now all the snow, that is proving to take a little bit longer than expected. so im still stuck in here. However, it does have its positives. While in here I am getting physio everyday as opposed to the once a week I will get once discharged. This really is making a huge difference, I can feel my stamina being built up and everyday I am working on increasing the speed on the treadmill.

However, mother is complaining about it. She said its like being instituonalised and that I should be home by now. Really it just means that there is lots of work going on at home and she dosnt see why I should be allowed to get to 'rest' in here as she puts it while she is doing all the work. (The work btw is things like putting the christmas decs away. If it was upto me none of them would have come out this year. Plus I am really not upto messing with dusty stuff and climbing in and out the loft, I have enough trouble with stairs without even attempting a ladder) More so her complaining is directed at me.

Its all the little things that get to me. The tutting under her breath, the implications of how lazy i am,  the whole, wel i have to visit you as the nurses take notice. Theres just so many little digs that she has at me.

Well at the moment my mood is everywhere. Im fine one minute and suicidal the next. so when she does get one of her digs in, or something happens that brings me back to reality on this whole situation, my mood just drops.

Fair enough, I should be able to cope with such things. But when my mood drops i become impulsive and this really isnt a good mix. I keep thinking about al the new methods I have of harming myself and how little it would take now to do some serious damage. I have considered things like dry drowning. I have easy access to my lungs so why not fill them with water or other substances. Dirty water would probably be more effective and would carry a higher risk of server infection. Then there is other liquids i find around, what would pepsi do? or alcohol gel? shampoo? The problem is getting caught, explaining it and such. water I could say it was an accident in the shower same with shampoo. Ive ben playing around with saline (technically im allowed to do it with a small bit of it anyway upto about 2.5 mls) I put 20mls in the other day, it felt kind of good, tickled a bit but deffintly gave relief. Then I tried with my hypertonic saline as i have more of that, but that made me cough so bad that i bought up more blood than normal so it wasnt very comfortable and it didnt stay in.

Then my mind wanders to what solids i could put in. But again there is the whole thing of getting caught.

I havnt taken my meds since i went home on friday either. Tonights are sitting in front of me and i doubt very much if im going to take them. Its good seeing the effects work so quick. My heart rate and blood pressure are very slowly creeping up, and i can feel my chest starting to clogg up. Not sure if its related but i felt so dizzy earleir that I couldnt stand up and then I threw my tea back which was rather nasty. so although these effects seem to be happening quick, i want them to happen quicker.

I dont know, I dont think I want to die (not right this minute anyway) but I am tired of living and see no way around it. Maybe a nice server infection would do it. Perhaps pneumonia, enough to have me knocked out and put in icu vent'ed for a week or so. The break last time seemed to help and restored the whole positive attitude so maybe that would work now.

I ended up cutting earlier as well. Nothing like what I wanted, im so out of practice and of course I had a nurse knocking on the door so I got distracted. But it felt good. Not great but good. It would have felt so much better if it was my arms. Oh how I want to rip them apart, tear them to shreds. Seeing pictures of slit wrists just looks so appealing to me, its like im attracted to it. One can only dream.

So I guess this is me going downhill again. Time to stop rambling now I suppose. lets wait and see what tomorrow holds.


  1. This is awful. So much pain and rage. Please just stop. Stop it.
    I read these words and they truly sadden me. I wish there was something I could do to help.
    I am sure that your situation is depressing. How could it not be, but there isn't any good that can come from this.
    Are there people there that you can talk to? Please just take your meds and seriously consider talking to a grief counselor who has experience with this kind of thing. Try to find something positive in your experience. Maybe you'll find something deep down inside of you that will surprise you.
    I am praying that these thoughts you have will change into something else. Please talk with someone about all of this.
    Sincerely, Beaux

  2. I dont think she should stop. It sounds like she has no one to talk to (or doesnt think she does) and so this is a good way of letting it out. I do agree that a counsellor would really help but in the meantime it would be better to let these feelings out even if it is via a blog.