Tuesday, December 15, 2009

7 years!

So I meant to post yesterday, but didnt get around to it (naughty naughty) I dont know how I ran out of time as I didnt leave the hospital, although I did sleep a lot (nothing new there then)

Well anyway, yesterday marks 7 years since my transplant.
I read other peoples posts about how grateful they are for the turn around in there life and how much better they are since receiving there transplant. It makes me feel bitter as I dont feel that overwhelming feeling of gratefulness. I think I know why. Most people are very ill before their transplant and then they get the transplant and things get better for them.

Im the opposite. I wasnt ill before my transplant (I was stabbed) and since my transplant, I have been ill in one way or another for most the 7 years. Started off with all the normal after transplant stuff, infections (kidney, stomach, chest), then came my surgical stint when I had a hernia repair followed by a major op for an ovarian cyst and acute appendix followed by another hernia. Then throw in being diagnosed with hearing loss and needing hearing aids. Then all the mental health stuff that came running along (and is still ever present) and then the latest thing with my breathing being rubbish and needing a trachy. The last 7 years havnt been ones of getting better, they have been bloody hard years and I have the scars to prove it.

I dont know, I just feel like I should be more thankful for my transplant, but the fact of the matter is that there are days when i am not. There are days when I wish/pray that they hadnt saved me as dealing with everything else is just to damn much.

But I must be getting better. Usually around this time of year I beat myself up for not being grateful but I think perhaps im starting to analyze it and know why I feel this way. Maybe its the first steps towards acceptance. One can only hope.

And then another blow was dealt today. Last night, my voice started to go raspy. Today it is barley a whisper. Concerned I spoke to my surgeon this evening. His words, well i dont want to mess with that. Great, so im supposed to deal with having no voice?!? He mentioned the other day that my breathing being tight when I use the speaking valve is probably where my airway has collapsed above. I think the speaking is related. Im just really hoping that its not permeant.

I mean really, he said having a trachy would solve all my problems. That I would be able to do everything I could do before but my breathing would be better. Well it is no better, not really and now im losing my voice and then there is all the care of the trach that goes with it. Things are not better, there worse! And im trying to be hopeful and im trying to stay positive but it seems like such a waste when you keep getting dealt new blows.

And im still in hospital as they cant sort out the equipment I need to go home with. Oh well less stress without having to deal with all the christmas stuff I suppose. *sigh*
Will things get better? eventually? maybe?


  1. All of this sounds so difficult. I wish that there was something I could say to you to make you feel better. Maybe you just need to heal up after this last surgery and see how things play out. Perhaps you are expecting too much too soon.
    It sounds like you have been through a lot in the past 7 years. That is a lot to take in for someone your age. For any age really. I hope that things get better within the next couple of weeks and that you might start feeling better.
    I am thinking good thoughts and I hope that even though this is all overwhelming right now, try to keep your chin up and get through the holidays. Hopefully you will find some comfort and joy there.
    My best to you, Beaux