You cant cry quietly in ICU

The last few days have been some of the worst I have had to go through.
From being discharged on thrusday to gasping for my breath on friday. To being readdmitted right away and immediatly moved to Intesive care. To having doctors in and out to keep me stable, to coughing and suddenly being blocked on saturday morning. That was pretty scary, good job the nurse was with me. Full crash team ready to intubate me hundreds of people standing around my bed waiting to see if i would get worse or stable out with the meds they gave me. To doing the exact same thing 2 hours later while my parents where in the room. To being rushed to emregency surgery. To comming round fighting for every breath. The pain of breathing, every muscle hurting. Crying silent tears with exhaustion taking over me. To exhausted to even sleep. and that was how my weekend went on.

So I have no choice anymore. The trachestomy I have tried to avoid for the last 7 years will now be going ahead tomorrow. My airway is no longer safe enough to be left alone. And what is more, I now have a infection in my blood. The doctors are talking about endocarditis too just to top it all off. Waiting on a further scan tomorrow morning to hopefully rule that out. But in the mean time lots of drugs to try and treat it.

Its been a long few days. I have a feeling there going to continue to be long for a whie yet. At least 3 differnt people have told me that I am looking yellow. I have no mirror so I can tell. I havnt even washed my hair since thursday. No showers in ICU and i wouldnt be allowed anyway as im to big a saftey risk right now.

I cant complain at my treatment. The team have been wonderful, there all around me all the time. Everytime I go downhill there ready and waiting. I know there talking about me. Im an unsual case and people I have never met seem to now know my history. Doctors, aneastists, surgeons, nurses all comming to wish me luck for tomorrow. To tell me they are thinking of me. Im wrapped in a big bubble by the caring profession.

I bite down hard to try to keep my tears in. Im faling miserably though. They keep trying to leak out.
I need to think of this as a new start not an end.

I will update more when I have the strength again. Hopefully the stupid machines wont keep beeping by then telling me I dont have enough oxygen.
Tomorrow is judegment day. wish me luck.